1 post tagged “grievance”

I've been thinking more and more about my grandpa.  The main feelings I have been having are guilt.  I know guilt is part of the grieving process, but 3.5 months later?

Last night was especially hard for me.  I had several break downs throughout the night, and now have puffy eyes as a result.  These feelings may have been triggered by my uncle's death yesterday.  I wasn't so close to my uncle, but it resurfaced a lot of feelings from my grandpa that I did not get to deal with.  There were so many deaths that I must have just went numb.  And I guess with so many, one after another, I couldn't even grieve for him.

The main thing that has been making me feel guilty is what happened the morning before he past away.  I haven't talked about it, but I may feel better sharing.  I arrived in his hospital room that morning and he will completely alert, but uncomfortable.  He asked for back massages couple times, told us his oxygen mask hurts, and tried to eat the wontons we brought him.  So guilt number one, I did not get wontons from his favorite place, but from a place that was convenient instead.  they were not good wontons and he only ate one bite.  Why didn't I just drive the extra 2 blocks to get him his favorite wontons?  This ended up being his last meal.

So an hour or so later, my grandpa wakes up and pulls off his oxygen mask.  He then tries to pull out all his IVs.  In hindsight, I think he was confused from the morphine, but at the time, I thought he was tired of it all and didn't want it anymore.  I called in the nurse to see if she could up the morphine & to discuss our options.  My family had agreed that we would take him off the breathing machine (bypap?), but to do so, we need to have him on morphine so he doesn't feel like he's drowning/suffocating. 

I told her that I wanted her to up the morphine.  She then asked me if I wanted her to give him something to help him sleep while we steadily increase the morphine.  Then when the morphine is at a comfortable level, we could call all the family in, we would take off his mask.  He could be comfortable, eat, and hang out with us until he couldn't breathe anymore and would eventually drift off.  It sounded so good, so I had her do it.  She gave him something through his IV and it knocked him out right away.  He never woke up after that. 

I have extreme guilt and feel selfish for having him sedated.  I ended up being the last to see him.  He didn't get to see his children.  He may not have been ready for it.  I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say to him.  He never got to eat his favorite food. 

Compared to my grandma & uncle before death, my grandpa was way stronger.  He probably wasn't ready to go.  Whatever I had the nurse give him probably killed him.  I kept thinking that my grandpa doesn't want to suffer and I dont' want to see him suffer like my grandma did, but maybe it wasn't his time yet.  And how do I know he wasn't suffering but just couldn't tell us.  He looked peaceful though.  It's weird how all these guilty feelings are now resurfacing.