5 posts tagged “grandpa”

I've been thinking more and more about my grandpa.  The main feelings I have been having are guilt.  I know guilt is part of the grieving process, but 3.5 months later?

Last night was especially hard for me.  I had several break downs throughout the night, and now have puffy eyes as a result.  These feelings may have been triggered by my uncle's death yesterday.  I wasn't so close to my uncle, but it resurfaced a lot of feelings from my grandpa that I did not get to deal with.  There were so many deaths that I must have just went numb.  And I guess with so many, one after another, I couldn't even grieve for him.

The main thing that has been making me feel guilty is what happened the morning before he past away.  I haven't talked about it, but I may feel better sharing.  I arrived in his hospital room that morning and he will completely alert, but uncomfortable.  He asked for back massages couple times, told us his oxygen mask hurts, and tried to eat the wontons we brought him.  So guilt number one, I did not get wontons from his favorite place, but from a place that was convenient instead.  they were not good wontons and he only ate one bite.  Why didn't I just drive the extra 2 blocks to get him his favorite wontons?  This ended up being his last meal.

So an hour or so later, my grandpa wakes up and pulls off his oxygen mask.  He then tries to pull out all his IVs.  In hindsight, I think he was confused from the morphine, but at the time, I thought he was tired of it all and didn't want it anymore.  I called in the nurse to see if she could up the morphine & to discuss our options.  My family had agreed that we would take him off the breathing machine (bypap?), but to do so, we need to have him on morphine so he doesn't feel like he's drowning/suffocating. 

I told her that I wanted her to up the morphine.  She then asked me if I wanted her to give him something to help him sleep while we steadily increase the morphine.  Then when the morphine is at a comfortable level, we could call all the family in, we would take off his mask.  He could be comfortable, eat, and hang out with us until he couldn't breathe anymore and would eventually drift off.  It sounded so good, so I had her do it.  She gave him something through his IV and it knocked him out right away.  He never woke up after that. 

I have extreme guilt and feel selfish for having him sedated.  I ended up being the last to see him.  He didn't get to see his children.  He may not have been ready for it.  I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say to him.  He never got to eat his favorite food. 

Compared to my grandma & uncle before death, my grandpa was way stronger.  He probably wasn't ready to go.  Whatever I had the nurse give him probably killed him.  I kept thinking that my grandpa doesn't want to suffer and I dont' want to see him suffer like my grandma did, but maybe it wasn't his time yet.  And how do I know he wasn't suffering but just couldn't tell us.  He looked peaceful though.  It's weird how all these guilty feelings are now resurfacing.

My aunt found this poem in my grandpa's journal.  It really struck a chord with me.  My aunt read this during his funeral and reminded us how these words really reflect how my grandpa lived his life and how we should continue to live ours. 

Urgent matters: speak slowly.
Important matters: speak clearly.
Minor matters: speak humorously.
Unsure matters: speak cautiously.
Things that never happened: do not fabricate.
Unachievable matters: do not boast.
Hurtful matters: do not say.
Disliked matters: speak to the matter, not the person.
Happy matters: speak when appropriate.
Sad matters: do not speak to all you see.
Other people's matter: speak carefully.
Your own matter: listen to what your heart says.
Current matter: act before you speak.
Future matter: leave it for the future to speak.
If there is nothing, don't look for something.
If there is something, don't be afraid to face it.

thanks everyone who helped me translate it.  The last two line really resonated with me in how to deal with his illness and passing.

I made prints of this poem to give to my aunts and uncles and for us to leave at work.  These are the perfect words to begin this new year. 

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.  I have been running around helping out with funeral arrangements, visiting my grandmother, and catching up w/ work... and squeezing in knitting anywhere I can.  So today, I just wanted to stay home and have some time to myself.  But as I sit here knitting, I can't help but to think of my grandmother and feel guilty for not being there with her.  I debate between sitting there knitting versus peace and quiet here.  Everytime I go to my grandmothers though, it is SO hard to leave.  She is so lonely there and wants to go home.  She wasn't feeling well yesterday.  She didn't eat much and vomited several times from both ends.  I just spoke to my aunt and she said they wanted to admit her into the hospital last night but there were no rooms available.  So she's still not feeling well today.  ugh... the guilt.  Part of me just feels so emotionally drained and just wants to veg out.  The other part of me knows that I only have another week of break left, so I should spend as much time w/ her as I can. 

I've had my random breakdowns as I realize he's really gone, but I'm still angry.  I want to beat something/someone.

I missed his last birthday dinner.  My grandma has always been the one with the apparant problems, so I always thought  my grandpa was the stronger one.  I missed his dinner because I was in a wedding.  I told him that I would take him out to eat on another day, but he was admitted into the hospital 2 weeks later.  I missed his birthday and never made it up to him.

I kissed him and talked to him the days before, but my last moments with him while he was aware was spent freaked out.  He kept taking his mask off and was so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I gave him a back massage and when the nurse came, I told her to make him comfortable.  They increased his morphine and gave him a sedative.  He went to sleep and I felt calm.  I didn't say anything else to him.  I had no idea that he would never be aware after that moment.  It was decided then that as soon as everyone arrives, we would increase the morphine and switch the mask to a more comfortable mask... one that's not breathing for him.  At that point, he may go within an hour.

I immediately called all his children to come to the hospital asap.  The sedatives kept him calm while waiting for people to arrive, and when my last cousin arrived (he freakin took so long!!!), the nurses were switching shifts, so we had to wait for them to switch the mask, but it was finally done at 8pm.

A bit morbid, but my uncle started to snap pics with his phone, so I brought out my little point-and-shoot that happened to be in my bag.  This was a very different way of dealing with the passing, but it was kind of nice.  Unfortunately, I do not grief in front of others, so this whole surreal experience has only begun to hit me as reality.

Nurses switched back to the nasal thing.  My aunt put on his glasses and covered him with his supposed favorite jacket.  He goes the the casinos everyday, up until the night he was admitted into the hospital.  It was a goofy experience, but it was nice. 

He had all his kids and grandkids around.  We prayed for him and everyone shared their favorite stories of him:

He ened up being stronger than doctors expected.  We waited until 11pm and thats when some people slowly left.  I left at midnight, planning to come back the next morning.  He ended up going at 3am with his children around.  He hung on for 7 hours.  He took one last breathe, and then his heart just stopped.

But this is how I'd rather remember him:

My grandpa and grandma winning the longest married couple contest at our wedding:

Then I think of how my poor grandma has been neglected since he went down.  She wonders why people haven't been visiting her.  It's been so hard on my mom with both of her parents hospitalized.  So they haven't told my grandma that her husband has passed away, and I dont think they will tell her.

I've been compiling

Unlike how I dealt with my paternal grandma (8/11/2005 back to july) and about her passing (bottom 8/15/2006), I have dealt with my grandpa very privately.  My maternal grandma was admitted in the hospital back in the beginning of November, and my maternal grandpa was admitted a week after.  Fortunately, work has been very understanding and I spent the past few days with him.  He went down exactly like my paternal grandma (pneumonia... except he has a bunch of cancer too, but cancer is not what took him).  Starts with the difficulty breathing, then difficulty swallowing.  Oxygen mask.  Eventually not enough and moves to bypap (sp?).   Then limited food and water allowed until none.  I just knew I did not want him to suffer like my grandma did.  I did not want him to get to the point of trechs and GI tubes.  Thursday, we had to make the decision whether we wanted to move along with more treatments, or just make him comfortable.  I spent a lot of energy convincing my aunts to let him go and skip the invasive stuff because whats the point if no quality of life is left.  Turns out, my grandpa signed his own DNR papers and to have no life support when he was admitted.  What a guy.  He has always been strong, although stubborn as well.  He has declined treatment for his cancer for many years now.  He literally partied right into the hospital.  Went to the casino one day and then went to the docs.  Doc said he's going to admit him to the hospital, so he went home that night, showered, ate dinner, then announced that he's going to the hospital.  Family was like WTH?  Offered to drive him... and he never got better.  He knew though.  He called his friends to tell him that he will no longer go to the casinos.  And he signed his own DNR papers!  I'm impressed by how empowered he is.  He is the first elder in my family to make his own decision regarding his fate.  In the past, the children has always had to make the decision.  My grandpa did it for his kids.

Pics of my grandpa at our wedding.  He refused to take off the cap.  Ironically, in this pic above, he was probably looking at the fine print where we remembered our elders that have passed.  My maternal grandma passed a month before our wedding.

I'll write more about how he went.  I just wanted to write this entry because as prepared as I thought I was, I ended up feeling angry.  I was expecting to feel saddness, but I'm feeling angry.  I have not shed a tear since he passed because I'm feeling angry.