4 posts tagged “grandma”

I hate to be all depressing again, but my uncle's in ICU right now.  He's my dad's eldest brother.  Doctors say he may go tonight or tomorrow morning.  He will be #6 within 6 months.  :(

On a brighter note, hanging out at the hospital for so many people's last few days made me realize how much I should really appreciate the time together while they were well.  Not much productive/quality time could be spent with someone on their death bed.  So I have been hanging out with my grandma a lot more lately.  After my uncle, I walked over to see my grandma. 

We walked down the hallway and there were a bunch of grandma's sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway.  I walk up to my grandma and smiled so big when she saw me.  That totally made my day.  We rolled her own wheel chair to a place where we can sit with her.

Funniest thing she said to me today was, "You teach, right?  So you aren't really working."

I gave her a kiss on the cheek when we left and she smiled so big.  :)  she's so cute.  It's going to be HARD when her time comes, but I'm grateful to have these moments with her.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.  I have been running around helping out with funeral arrangements, visiting my grandmother, and catching up w/ work... and squeezing in knitting anywhere I can.  So today, I just wanted to stay home and have some time to myself.  But as I sit here knitting, I can't help but to think of my grandmother and feel guilty for not being there with her.  I debate between sitting there knitting versus peace and quiet here.  Everytime I go to my grandmothers though, it is SO hard to leave.  She is so lonely there and wants to go home.  She wasn't feeling well yesterday.  She didn't eat much and vomited several times from both ends.  I just spoke to my aunt and she said they wanted to admit her into the hospital last night but there were no rooms available.  So she's still not feeling well today.  ugh... the guilt.  Part of me just feels so emotionally drained and just wants to veg out.  The other part of me knows that I only have another week of break left, so I should spend as much time w/ her as I can. 

I've had my random breakdowns as I realize he's really gone, but I'm still angry.  I want to beat something/someone.

I missed his last birthday dinner.  My grandma has always been the one with the apparant problems, so I always thought  my grandpa was the stronger one.  I missed his dinner because I was in a wedding.  I told him that I would take him out to eat on another day, but he was admitted into the hospital 2 weeks later.  I missed his birthday and never made it up to him.

I kissed him and talked to him the days before, but my last moments with him while he was aware was spent freaked out.  He kept taking his mask off and was so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I gave him a back massage and when the nurse came, I told her to make him comfortable.  They increased his morphine and gave him a sedative.  He went to sleep and I felt calm.  I didn't say anything else to him.  I had no idea that he would never be aware after that moment.  It was decided then that as soon as everyone arrives, we would increase the morphine and switch the mask to a more comfortable mask... one that's not breathing for him.  At that point, he may go within an hour.

I immediately called all his children to come to the hospital asap.  The sedatives kept him calm while waiting for people to arrive, and when my last cousin arrived (he freakin took so long!!!), the nurses were switching shifts, so we had to wait for them to switch the mask, but it was finally done at 8pm.

A bit morbid, but my uncle started to snap pics with his phone, so I brought out my little point-and-shoot that happened to be in my bag.  This was a very different way of dealing with the passing, but it was kind of nice.  Unfortunately, I do not grief in front of others, so this whole surreal experience has only begun to hit me as reality.

Nurses switched back to the nasal thing.  My aunt put on his glasses and covered him with his supposed favorite jacket.  He goes the the casinos everyday, up until the night he was admitted into the hospital.  It was a goofy experience, but it was nice. 

He had all his kids and grandkids around.  We prayed for him and everyone shared their favorite stories of him:

He ened up being stronger than doctors expected.  We waited until 11pm and thats when some people slowly left.  I left at midnight, planning to come back the next morning.  He ended up going at 3am with his children around.  He hung on for 7 hours.  He took one last breathe, and then his heart just stopped.

But this is how I'd rather remember him:

My grandpa and grandma winning the longest married couple contest at our wedding:

Then I think of how my poor grandma has been neglected since he went down.  She wonders why people haven't been visiting her.  It's been so hard on my mom with both of her parents hospitalized.  So they haven't told my grandma that her husband has passed away, and I dont think they will tell her.

I've been compiling

My grandma was admitted into the hospital on Monday.  That first night when we visited her, it just brought back memories of my paternal grandmother and her long struggle to death.  :(  Seeing all the old sick people just gave me chills.

She has been giving a ship load of pain killers, so she has been okay when we've seen her.  She made some funny jokes (unintentionally) and remenisced about raising me.  "27 already?  I raised you that long?  I raised you since Kenmore." 

However, J pointed out last night that I have not once touched her.  I have not even gotten close to her.  I didnt even notice until he pointed it out.  "I'm scared."  That was the only explanation I could come up with.  I'm not sure why I'm scared, but I'm scared to get close to her.  As if I touch her, it'll be real.

My aunt asked her last night if she's more comfortable on her right side and she nodded.  That's good that we know that because if and when it comes to a point where she can no longer talk because they put a hole in her throat, we'll at least know what position she's comfortable in. (tramatized from my other grandmother)  It seemed like so long ago when my grandma made that transition.  ugh, I have images of looking into my grandmothers eyes trying to figure out what she wants.  Seeing all that pain and helplessness in her eyes. 

I know this just means I need to spend time with her before she gets to that point too, but I'm scared.  I want her to tell me all her stories again before she can't... and all she could do is look at you and try to mouth out words, but all you hear is the machine breathing for her.