6 posts tagged “death”
I've been thinking more and more about my grandpa. The main feelings I have been having are guilt. I know guilt is part of the grieving process, but 3.5 months later?
Last night was especially hard for me. I had several break downs throughout the night, and now have puffy eyes as a result. These feelings may have been triggered by my uncle's death yesterday. I wasn't so close to my uncle, but it resurfaced a lot of feelings from my grandpa that I did not get to deal with. There were so many deaths that I must have just went numb. And I guess with so many, one after another, I couldn't even grieve for him.
The main thing that has been making me feel guilty is what happened the morning before he past away. I haven't talked about it, but I may feel better sharing. I arrived in his hospital room that morning and he will completely alert, but uncomfortable. He asked for back massages couple times, told us his oxygen mask hurts, and tried to eat the wontons we brought him. So guilt number one, I did not get wontons from his favorite place, but from a place that was convenient instead. they were not good wontons and he only ate one bite. Why didn't I just drive the extra 2 blocks to get him his favorite wontons? This ended up being his last meal.
So an hour or so later, my grandpa wakes up and pulls off his oxygen mask. He then tries to pull out all his IVs. In hindsight, I think he was confused from the morphine, but at the time, I thought he was tired of it all and didn't want it anymore. I called in the nurse to see if she could up the morphine & to discuss our options. My family had agreed that we would take him off the breathing machine (bypap?), but to do so, we need to have him on morphine so he doesn't feel like he's drowning/suffocating.
I told her that I wanted her to up the morphine. She then asked me if I wanted her to give him something to help him sleep while we steadily increase the morphine. Then when the morphine is at a comfortable level, we could call all the family in, we would take off his mask. He could be comfortable, eat, and hang out with us until he couldn't breathe anymore and would eventually drift off. It sounded so good, so I had her do it. She gave him something through his IV and it knocked him out right away. He never woke up after that.
I have extreme guilt and feel selfish for having him sedated. I ended up being the last to see him. He didn't get to see his children. He may not have been ready for it. I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say to him. He never got to eat his favorite food.
Compared to my grandma & uncle before death, my grandpa was way stronger. He probably wasn't ready to go. Whatever I had the nurse give him probably killed him. I kept thinking that my grandpa doesn't want to suffer and I dont' want to see him suffer like my grandma did, but maybe it wasn't his time yet. And how do I know he wasn't suffering but just couldn't tell us. He looked peaceful though. It's weird how all these guilty feelings are now resurfacing.
I don't get it. We just buried Scott only a month ago. We're not even done mourning his death yet, and today his father passed away. He just went in his sleep. He took Scott's death really hard, naturally, and I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just didn't wake up today.
This makes the 5th death in the past 5 months. After grandpa, I thought the new year would bring better luck, but then Scott went. So I rationalized that it would be in the new lunar year... but I guess not.
Just this past Thursday, I was sharing with work how I planned to go on a trip during new years, but ended up burying grandpa. Then I planned to go during MLK, but ended up burying Scott. So I was REALLY scared to plan anything for this president's weekend. I didn't plan anything, and it ended up being a very quiet weekend (nice to finally have one), but then today came along.
I just don't get it. David leaves behind a loving wife, daughter, grand son & grand daughter.
he passed away this morning. :*(
I called my cousin, C, to chat last night during my drive home from a meeting, but she didn't pick up. With no one to talk to, I started to reflect on 2007. I don't remember the first half of 2007 at all, but I do remember how much the tail end of 2007 sucked. Lost an uncle and former student the same weekend, grandma got ill, grandpa passed away... 2007 sucked and I was looking forward to a new year. I was hopeful for a better 2008.
Unfortunately, the reason why my cousin, C, did not answer was because she was in the ER with her husband. He had a brain aneurysm an hour before I called her. The rupture is in the stem of his brain, so there is nothing that can be done. He's currently intubated and in ICU. He's no longer breathing on his own, his eyes were unresponsive to light and a poke, so it's just time before the rest of his body shuts down.
I took this picture only 4 2 months ago. They were just starting their journey together.
I got a call at 3am from her sister (who's husband was murdered 2 years ago when she was 5 months pregnant and only married for 8 months... like I said, life sucks). She called to tell me that C's house has a really bad leak and needed us to come over to help. Weird thing is right after I got off the phone with her, our lights started flickering. I sat there disoriented with the news and with the flickering lights. Then it was calm, but him being in a coma was still so hard to comprehend. I sat there disoriented, and realized that the power had gone out right after I got off the phone with her.
So we use our cellphones for light to get dressed and headed out. When we got there, her leak was BAD. It would fill a bucket in 15 minutes. My cousin was exhausted and wanted to go home, so she just needed us to babysit the leak. Luckily, J and I were able to come up with a contraption to tunnel the leak straight to the sink. Literally, when it rains, it pours.
Once the leak was under control, we locked up and went to the hospital. This whole thing is so sad. His daughter, B, actually just lost her grandma new years eve. So while her mom is dealing with that, C was unable to contact her. So problem #2 is that B is expecting him to pick her up from chinese school today, but no one knows where it is and no one is able to contact her mom. So I went home to do some research but found nothing. Good thing, the mom ended up calling back. But poor B! She'll have her grandma & dad's funeral to attend back-to-back.
C was collected as she told us the prognosis, and said multiple times that he's not going to make it, but when she talked to him, she kept begging him to wake up and that she doesn't know what to do without him. This is going to be so difficult for her.
How is it that both sisters lost their husbands within the first year of marriage? What screwed up world is that? Every time a tragedy like this occurs, I just question so much. Was it destined to be this way? so cruel.
Unlike how I dealt with my paternal grandma (8/11/2005 back to july) and about her passing (bottom 8/15/2006), I have dealt with my grandpa very privately. My maternal grandma was admitted in the hospital back in the beginning of November, and my maternal grandpa was admitted a week after. Fortunately, work has been very understanding and I spent the past few days with him. He went down exactly like my paternal grandma (pneumonia... except he has a bunch of cancer too, but cancer is not what took him). Starts with the difficulty breathing, then difficulty swallowing. Oxygen mask. Eventually not enough and moves to bypap (sp?). Then limited food and water allowed until none. I just knew I did not want him to suffer like my grandma did. I did not want him to get to the point of trechs and GI tubes. Thursday, we had to make the decision whether we wanted to move along with more treatments, or just make him comfortable. I spent a lot of energy convincing my aunts to let him go and skip the invasive stuff because whats the point if no quality of life is left. Turns out, my grandpa signed his own DNR papers and to have no life support when he was admitted. What a guy. He has always been strong, although stubborn as well. He has declined treatment for his cancer for many years now. He literally partied right into the hospital. Went to the casino one day and then went to the docs. Doc said he's going to admit him to the hospital, so he went home that night, showered, ate dinner, then announced that he's going to the hospital. Family was like WTH? Offered to drive him... and he never got better. He knew though. He called his friends to tell him that he will no longer go to the casinos. And he signed his own DNR papers! I'm impressed by how empowered he is. He is the first elder in my family to make his own decision regarding his fate. In the past, the children has always had to make the decision. My grandpa did it for his kids.
Pics of my grandpa at our wedding. He refused to take off the cap. Ironically, in this pic above, he was probably looking at the fine print where we remembered our elders that have passed. My maternal grandma passed a month before our wedding.
I'll write more about how he went. I just wanted to write this entry because as prepared as I thought I was, I ended up feeling angry. I was expecting to feel saddness, but I'm feeling angry. I have not shed a tear since he passed because I'm feeling angry.
Former student who I hold so dearly close to my heart.
Those who have been reading my blog for the past 2 years, you may remember freddy as my little trouble maker 9th grader who I took snowboarding 2 winters ago. He came back a completely changed person. He became my little "project" so I took him in as my Physics student his 10th grade year.
I've had such an emotional rollercoaster with him. He drove me nuts in the first half of 9th grade. I then took him snowboarding and he totally changed. He suddenly became the kid that others turned to for help and he embraced being a leader. We had a lot of fun conversations on the ride up to the mountain. Then we came back to school and security searched him in front of the class and found a knife on him, handcuffed him and took him away. Then he came back and totally rocked my Physics class. Then I was so sad when I learned he was moving last winter. I was trying to reconnect with him... only to find out that he passed away last week.
I'll update more as I find out info, but he was the most significant student in my short career. I am so sad that he will not be able to move on to bigger things. I hope he knows how much he has touched my life. I am forever changed because of him.
I want to go to his services, but I heard that his family is too poor to have one. :( Kids are fund raising for his family right now and I would like to contribute. He is dearly missed. I just want him to know how much he has impacted me.
Edit: After some research, I got in touch with his new spanish teacher. He fell into a coma on Oct 9th and died on Oct 13th because of a brain aneurysm. She thinks services are tomorrow, but she said staff wasn't given any info. I asked her for his family's contact info.
I wanted to get in contact w/ him 2 weeks ago but just kept putting it off. Who would've known what could happen in a week's time. The last day he logged onto his myspace was the day before he fell into a coma. I wish I got a hold of him sooner.
