pudgeefeet’s ramblings

I've been thinking more and more about my grandpa.  The main feelings I have been having are guilt.  I know guilt is part of the grieving process, but 3.5 months later?

Last night was especially hard for me.  I had several break downs throughout the night, and now have puffy eyes as a result.  These feelings may have been triggered by my uncle's death yesterday.  I wasn't so close to my uncle, but it resurfaced a lot of feelings from my grandpa that I did not get to deal with.  There were so many deaths that I must have just went numb.  And I guess with so many, one after another, I couldn't even grieve for him.

The main thing that has been making me feel guilty is what happened the morning before he past away.  I haven't talked about it, but I may feel better sharing.  I arrived in his hospital room that morning and he will completely alert, but uncomfortable.  He asked for back massages couple times, told us his oxygen mask hurts, and tried to eat the wontons we brought him.  So guilt number one, I did not get wontons from his favorite place, but from a place that was convenient instead.  they were not good wontons and he only ate one bite.  Why didn't I just drive the extra 2 blocks to get him his favorite wontons?  This ended up being his last meal.

So an hour or so later, my grandpa wakes up and pulls off his oxygen mask.  He then tries to pull out all his IVs.  In hindsight, I think he was confused from the morphine, but at the time, I thought he was tired of it all and didn't want it anymore.  I called in the nurse to see if she could up the morphine & to discuss our options.  My family had agreed that we would take him off the breathing machine (bypap?), but to do so, we need to have him on morphine so he doesn't feel like he's drowning/suffocating. 

I told her that I wanted her to up the morphine.  She then asked me if I wanted her to give him something to help him sleep while we steadily increase the morphine.  Then when the morphine is at a comfortable level, we could call all the family in, we would take off his mask.  He could be comfortable, eat, and hang out with us until he couldn't breathe anymore and would eventually drift off.  It sounded so good, so I had her do it.  She gave him something through his IV and it knocked him out right away.  He never woke up after that. 

I have extreme guilt and feel selfish for having him sedated.  I ended up being the last to see him.  He didn't get to see his children.  He may not have been ready for it.  I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say to him.  He never got to eat his favorite food. 

Compared to my grandma & uncle before death, my grandpa was way stronger.  He probably wasn't ready to go.  Whatever I had the nurse give him probably killed him.  I kept thinking that my grandpa doesn't want to suffer and I dont' want to see him suffer like my grandma did, but maybe it wasn't his time yet.  And how do I know he wasn't suffering but just couldn't tell us.  He looked peaceful though.  It's weird how all these guilty feelings are now resurfacing.

I hate to be all depressing again, but my uncle's in ICU right now.  He's my dad's eldest brother.  Doctors say he may go tonight or tomorrow morning.  He will be #6 within 6 months.  :(

On a brighter note, hanging out at the hospital for so many people's last few days made me realize how much I should really appreciate the time together while they were well.  Not much productive/quality time could be spent with someone on their death bed.  So I have been hanging out with my grandma a lot more lately.  After my uncle, I walked over to see my grandma. 

We walked down the hallway and there were a bunch of grandma's sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway.  I walk up to my grandma and smiled so big when she saw me.  That totally made my day.  We rolled her own wheel chair to a place where we can sit with her.

Funniest thing she said to me today was, "You teach, right?  So you aren't really working."

I gave her a kiss on the cheek when we left and she smiled so big.  :)  she's so cute.  It's going to be HARD when her time comes, but I'm grateful to have these moments with her.

I have had an eventful spring break so far.
 Went to SF & back:

golden gate bridge

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Babysat for 2 days.  One the first day, I took him on a play date w/ Natalie.  It started w/ independent playing.  No acknowledgment of each other.  Then progressed to fighting for the same toys.  THEN 45 MINUTES of this:

MVI_2209

He ended up with an owie on his foot, so Natalie played doctor.  Must have learned it from her mother.

playing doctor

Then some... cuddling?

tired

THAT was an eventful day.  The next day I had a very chilled day with Aiden.

orange smiles

Thanks to Linda, I am now a proud mommy of a LaTi doll.

stock coco

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stock

girly

girly

hoodie

She hasn't come out of her shell yet.  I spent today sewing for her and trying to get to know her, but i haven't figured out her personality yet. 

IMG_1674

I don't get it.  We just buried Scott only a month ago.  We're not even done mourning his death yet, and today his father passed away.  He just went in his sleep.  He took Scott's death really hard, naturally, and I guess he just couldn't take it anymore and just didn't wake up today.

This makes the 5th death in the past 5 months.  After grandpa, I thought the new year would bring better luck, but then Scott went.  So I rationalized that it would be in the new lunar year... but I guess not.

Just this past Thursday, I was sharing with work how I planned to go on a trip during new years, but ended up burying grandpa.  Then I planned to go during MLK, but ended up burying Scott.  So I was REALLY scared to plan anything for this president's weekend.  I didn't plan anything, and it ended up being a very quiet weekend (nice to finally have one), but then today came along.

I just don't get it.  David leaves behind a loving wife, daughter, grand son & grand daughter. 

Yeah, that same UTI.  It's still here.  To top it off, I caught a cold this week and now also fighting off a cough & sore throat.  After my friend's sister, who's a doctor, told me that my kidneys are deteriorating as we speak and a coworker telling me that one of our student got her seizure disorder from an untreated kidney infection (poor thing gets 2 seizures a day), and then my cousin telling me about her coworker who's kidney failed at age 30, I decided to try and navigate the Kaiser system again.  I called urgent care at 6:00 and finally spoke to someone at 6:30.  She said to pick up my prescription in 2 hours.

I called the pharmacy at 8pm and they said there's no record of my order!  great, this again.  After a lot of waiting and talking to supervisors, a supervisor finally called to confirm that he spoke to the pharmacy and the order is in.  yay!

So we visit my parents first, then headed to the hospital and they handed me my prescription and said there was no charge!  yay!  anyone know why there was no charge? 

< whine>

I woke up today with UTI.  I called one Kaiser and waited on hold only to be told that I have to call my primary office.  I eventually get a hold of a nurse and she says she can put in the prescription for me.  I tough out another 2+ hours at work, going to the restroom every 20 min.

Finally, when I was done w/ work, I head home and call the pharmacy to see if my drugs are ready.  They have no record of my prescription!  argh.  More calls, more transfers, and a whole lot more of waiting later I find out that the nurse was unable to do it b/c she was w/ urgent care & during office hours, you have to go through the docs office instead!

So I try calling the docs office, but was told to call back b/c they're all at lunch.  Call back later and got to the right office.  Went through the whole questionaire AGAIN and was put on hold for another 10 min... only to be hung up on!!  So I call back and eventually a nurse said she'll get the doc to sign off on it.

J convinces me to get a haircut in the meantime.  So I go and ask for an update from my previous perm... expecting to walk out with that same fresh, cute cut/perm I got last time.  After falling asleep and hitting my head on the blow dryer thing, and sitting there for an ENTIRE evening, I ended up looking worse than I walked in!

My hair was still waaaay long and the waves looked lifeless.  So he started to thin out my hair even more, but it still looked bad...  I didn't pay for bed hair!  I figure the problem was it needed more obvious layers and shortened, so he chops off my hair... including all the newly permed hair!!!  So now I look like a mushroom.  A poofy top sitting on my stem of a neck.  :*(  I have never been this unsatisfied with my haircut!!   I'm going to wear a beanie for the next month and hopefully it'll be long enough to have something done to it.  :(

My hair stylist has never let me down the entire several years I've been with him.  In fact, he has always left me pleasantly surprised each time!  I felt bad b/c I think it was poor communication.  I wanted more layers and a bit shorter, but i only said shorter.  I assumed he would just do the thing he has always done!  He knew I was unhappy, but I didn't make a big deal to him about it because I didn't want him to feel bad.  I don't like making ppl feel bad, and I know everyone has their off days.  I have underdelivered before and I know how dissapointing that feels, so I didn't want to make him feel worse than he probably does.  Paid him the full amount still and yes, will still return to him, but with more specific requests next time.  As one of my students said regarding his favorite sport team, "One bad season doesn't make them a bad team."  So I give him the benefit of the doubt and will try again once I regain some inches.

< / whine >

I hate 2008 so far.  (But I DO appreciate greatly how my relationship with J and our photography has only been getting better, so I am grateful for that.)  But all the other stuff going on around me suck. :\

Edited:  Oh yeah, so WHILE I was sulking about my hair, I check my voicemail and it's a nurse telling me to call her back.  damn, there must have been an issue with the prescription!  I call back and they said the clinic closes at 5!  The nurse left me the voicemail at 5:30 though!  So still no meds.  ugh... okay, now I'm done.

We went to watch Cloverfield at Paramount Studios last night at a special sneak preview.  For those who know me, I don't watch movies.  I'm a busy body; I can't sit around for longer than 15 minutes.   I didn't even know what movie we were watching!  I just went to be w/ J.

So 10 minutes into the movie and I just wanted to puke.  I was SO naucious and had severe motion sickness.  I spent 75% of the time with my eyes closed and ears plugged.  Even the sound alone was making me naucious.  ugh...

But besides the motion sickness, I like the concept.  Made me feel like I was there.  Real time.

Dainties Cupcakes!